Flooded with Intense Emotions

HOW I DEAL WITH DEPRESSION

I feel like I’m about to burst out in tears. I am so sad. And it is not something that specifically happened today. But rather the totality and complexity of different situations and circumstances from the past few years. And now I find myself flooded with intense emotions.

I always try to stay strong and not crumble at difficulties. Positive in spite of challenges. Determined throughout my tribulations and trials. Face life with faith rather than fear. And with commitment to my values and all I believe in and stand for. Even though my goals or plans may change as nothing is constant or everlasting, but my core values will forever remain, love conquers all.

My life has never been easy and I don’t believe life in general can be. My understanding that life will always be annoying, and even absolutely challenging at times, began to form at a very young age. People have always perceived me as weird and indifferent. Mainly because I never smiled, and never allowed myself to show any emotions. I never believed in Santa or any fairytales. And I couldn’t stand lies. I could never get over people’s lies. Good lies, bad lies, big lies, small lies, or white lies. In my opinion, a lie is a lie, for a rose by any other name would still be a rose.

Yes of course, the way we see the world as children influences our perception as adults. There is no doubt, everything we learn including behaviors we adopt in childhood will certainly become our main characteristics that shape our personality, and values that forge our identity.

Here’s an example. As a child I developed the habit to always sit in the corner seat that’s against a wall. I never liked blind spots. Sitting in the corner allowed me to hear and see everyone. Better location for observation as I have a 90 degree angle view. Choosing this position was entirely my decision and not influenced by anyone but my own needs to be in the know and feel safe and in control. I still choose corner seating today and still prefer to have a wall behind me.

Later as a teenager, I don’t know for what reason but a few family members did not like that habit of mine and felt the need to say things like: “Those who sit at the corner of the table are doomed to be alone forever”. What an awful thing to say, I thought to myself. I did not react to it then. Although, I might have said something like: “Superstitions!” In fact, I used this word quite often to describe how I felt about people’s opinions.

….tbc