5 Tips to Avoid if You are in a Relationship with a Narcissist

There are certain rules that strengthen healthy relationships, but totally do not work in toxic ones. But if you are in a relationship with a narcissist, it is just dangerous for you to follow these rules.

FORGIVE AND FORGET

To forgive and forget the abuse is the most dangerous thing you can do. It only strengthens their power over you.

Forgetting is a subconscious protective mechanism which many victims of domestic abuse, whether physical or emotional, use to protect themselves from suffering.

But to heal from such injury, you need to realize what’s actually going on with you. And in order to stop returning to your abuser, you need to keep in touch with your anger. Even when it’s over, remember it so you do not start romances with your abuser ever again.

LET IT GO

In fact, “let go” is the most harmful advice a victim can get, but unfortunately is the most frequent.

Your friends, family, a psychologist who doesn’t know what abuse is, never been in relationship with a narcissist, can traumatize you by giving the wrong advice. Especially from people who don’t even believe that you have been abused.

In our society, there is very little information about psychological and emotional abuse. At Best, people can be against physical violence. But when it come to emotional abuse, few people even know it exists. What make all this so much worse for the victims is that even with regard to physical violence, the attitude is almost “you’re guilty… it’s your fault… you put up with it”.

The problem is that when you are dealing with abuse: whether it’s manipulation, forwarding blame, change of ideology and depreciation, constant scandals and emotional violence, you can’t “let go”

Because each one is a link in a long chain of reactions to the original trauma. The smallest event pulls the link that carries the whole chain.

And when you do finally burst out and start to talk about each one of the events along the chain, you’re accused of being irrational and just plain crazy. Being in relationship with a narcissist is not always an obvious case. What is most unfortunate in these cases is that oblivious friends and family can join in when such scandal occurs without realizing that they’re traumatizing you even more.

You need to think about what happened to deal with the trauma. Therefore, telling the victim of an abuse, especially having a PTSD (Post-traumatic stress disorder), to “let go” is the most cruel and terrible thing that can be said to that person.

DON’T STEP DOWN TO THEIR LEVEL

You’ve all heard this myth that the abuser can do nothing to you, but if you eventually react to it and behave ugly, then the shame is on you. The truth is that we are all human beings, we get hurt, and we can develop adaptive reactions to what happens to us.

If you are dealing with chronic violence, you can develop a habit of crying in response to it, plan suicide, dream of revenge … etc. But you should not be ashamed of it. You have experienced a lot and no one has the right to judge you, or tell how you should react to it or feel about it. Especially those who have no idea what it feels like.

“NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO TEACH YOU THAT YOU HAVE TO REACT NORMAL TO ABNORMAL BEHAVIOR”

Sometimes you have to step down to their level to survive in a toxic environment. That doesn’t mean you’re going to stay there or that you’re like them. It just means that you’re a living person, not a robot, and you react as you can.

IT ALL DEPENDS ON YOU

If you are Smart Enough, you have a Normal Self-Esteem, Beautiful Enough, you will not become a Victim of Narcissistic Abusers. This is total nonsense! No one can be too beautiful, too smart or wise, too successful or too strong to be a victim of abuse.

Inexperienced people, people who lack sympathy and those who didn’t develop empathic ability, are totally oblivious to this fact. No one chooses to be in relationship with a narcissist!

You must have heard this cliché “if it happened to me, I would …do so and I’ll be like this” … this is the same as bragging in front of the TV! The truth remains, you will never know what your reaction will be to a situation until you actually get into it.

What everyone should know is: No one deserves to be abused, and everyone deserves love, care and respect. And finally,

YOU NEED TO LEARN TO TRUST & GIVE THEM THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT

Absolutely NOT! We need to learn to build trust gradually, step by step. People are different, good and bad. Apart from predators and crazies, there are selfish people and just people with values so different from yours that what is good to them can be disgusting to you.

As long as you don’t know who’s in front of you, you can’t get emotionally invested in a relationship. Time will show. And learn to take your time. You will communicate and see everything.

Just remember: A relationship shouldn’t feel like a job that you hate. Relationships don’t have to be too hard. If it gets hard and you find yourself having to work very hard, then there’s something wrong. Love, care and respect to all.